A Quotation for All Occasions

For those who have read my facebook profile
• "I know you mean well and yet you suck" - Count Your Sheep

• "All bastards are bastards, but some bastards is bastards." - The Last Continent

• "What's the point in defending the defensible? Where's the challenge in that?" - Nick Naylor, Thank You for Smoking

• "+++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++" - Hogfather

• "Take your Blah-Blah to the Blah-Blahologist" - Dr. Cox, Scrubs

• "Go ahead and replace the captain of your Brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel" - Dr. Cox, Scrubs

• "E pur si muove" [And yet it moves] - attrib. Galileo

• "Stone Walls do not a prison make,
  "Nor Iron Bars a cage,
  "Minds innocent and quiet
  "Take that for a hermitage
  "If I have freedom in my heart
  "And in my soul am free,
  "Angels alone, that soar above,
  "Enjoy such liberty" - To Althea: From Prison, Richard Lovelace

• "What do we do now?"
  "Now we die."
  "Well, that's a bad plan." - Stargate SG-1

• "So we'd be looking for a needle in a haystack."
  "A haystack of infinite size." - Daniel & Thor, Stargate SG-1

• "Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she wants a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.
  "Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works." - Stargate SG-1

• "The whole world's awry."
  "True, but in different ways in different places. Which is what makes travelling worthwhile." - Heartfire

• "Oh bother, it seems I'm still alive. Be my mercy angel, Piglet." - Winnie the Pooh, VGCats 193

• "I prefer to get wet and be thankful...That I'll get dry later" - Granny Weatherwax

• "Hartley said that nothing reveals Humanity so well as the games it plays. Almost right. Actually, you reveal yourselves best in the way you play them." - Q

• "Wes, I'm not that guy! That guy is charming and funny and... emotionally useful! I'm the guy in the dark corner with a blood habit and the 200 years of psychic baggage." - Angel

• "We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans. [They] went in to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition [and the Germans] went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the Human Race." -Sir Humphrey (Yes Minister) on Europe.

• "[Q] says he wants to do something nice for me." "I'll alert the crew." - Star Trek:TNG

• The 6 phrases of doom:
  "It'll be fine."
  "Don't worry."
  "What could go wrong."
  "It's [completely] Foolproof."
  "No problem."
  "I know what I'm doing."

• "I only regret that I have but one life to waste playing video games." - Ctrl+Alt+Del

• "It's about the ideas." - Leonard Nimoy on Star Trek

• "Look, at least Bush/Blair/Cameron doesn't worship Satan."
  "Only because God offers more votes!"
  - I'm not actually sure where this one comes from. It may actually be original

• "Congratulations on not having died yet." - The perfect alternative to "Happy Birthday"

• "It is in this vein that I repeat Sturgeon's Revelation, which was wrung out of me after twenty years of wearying defence of science fiction against the attacks of people who used the worst examples of the field for ammunition, and whose conclusion was that ninety percent of s f is crud.
  "The Revelation: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
  "Corollary 1: The existence of immense quantities of trash in science fiction is admitted and it is regrettable; but it is no more unnatural than the existence of trash anywhere.
  "Corollary 2: The best science fiction is as good as the best fiction in any field." - T. Sturgeon

• "'That would be unethical, Dean,' said Ridcully.
  'Why? We're the Good Guys, aren't we?'
  'Yes, but that rather hinges on doing certain things and not doing others, sir', said Ponder. 'Playing around with other people's heads against their will is almost certainly one of the nots.'" - Darwin's Watch

• "Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean he's not a petty small minded jerk" - Sam Vimes, Feet of Clay

• "Act confidently, never say 'I don't know,' and when all else fails, keep 'em busy." - Rules of Leadership, The Carpet People

• "There should be a notice ahead of the movie that says 'This movie is PG. Can you read? You are a Parent. Do you understand what Guidance is? Or are you just another stupid toddler who thinks they're an adult simply because they've grown older and, unfortunately, have developed fully-functioning sexual organs? Would you like some committee somewhere to decide *everything* for you? Get a damn grip, will you? And shut the wretched kid up!'" - Terry Pratchett

• "Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun." - T.P.

• "A European says: I can't understand this, what's wrong with me? An American says: I can't understand this, what's wrong with him? I make no suggestion that one side or other is right, but observation over many years leads me to believe it is true." - T.P.

• "I love deadlines. I love the sound they make as they woosh by." - Douglas Adams

• "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and a good thing never dies." - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

• "I had to come to prison to become a crook." - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

• "In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God." - Stephen, Braveheart

• "When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend." - Detritus, "Night Watch"

• "Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before they're allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean." - Susan, "Thief of Time"

• "A chocolate you did not want to eat does not count as chocolate. This discovery is from the same branch of culinary physics that determined that food eaten while walking along contains no calories." - Thief of Time

• "Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry." - Thief of Time

• "I have no use for people who have learned the limits of the possible." - Leonard of Quirm

• "'Captain Carrot is an honest young man, Vimes.'
  'Yes, sir.'
  'And did you know that he winces when he hears you tell a direct lie?'
  'Really, sir?' damn. - Jingo

• "The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it." - Jingo

• "Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions." - Lord Vetinari, The Truth

• "You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago 'Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, travelling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abcesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you.' they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say yes." - Terry Pratchett
  (It's not that he's right about everything, but I've yet to find a situation where he's conclusively wrong)

• Genie: [as Jack Nicholson] "All right, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady, ya gotta be a straight shooter. Do ya got it?"
  Aladdin: "What?"
  Genie: "Tell. Her. The. TRUUUUUTH!" - Disney's Aladdin

• Genie [as Bee]: "Stop her! Stop her! Do you want me to sting her?"
  Aladdin: (Swats at bee) "Buzz off!"
  Genie: "Okay, fine. But remember--bee yourself!" - Disney's Aladdin

• Genie/Aladdin: "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS! itty bitty living space." - Genie and Aladdin, Disney's Aladdin

• "Sheriff, this is no time to panic!"
  "This is the perfect time to panic!" - Buzz and Woody, Toy Story

• "Everyone's special, Dash."
  "Which is another way of saying no one is." - Helen and Dash Parr, The Incredibles

• "He's either in trouble, or he's going to be." - Elastigirl, The Incredibles

• "Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once." - Isaac Asimov

• "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!', but 'That's funny'" - Isaac Asimov

• "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." Salvor Hardin, Foundation

• "Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived." - Isaac Asimov

• "Sure as I know anything, I know this - they will try again.
  "Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean.
  "A year from now, ten?
  "They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better.
  "And I do not hold to that.
  "So no more runnin'.
  "I aim to misbehave." - Mal Reynolds, Serenity

• "Zoe, the ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't here from me within the hour, then you take this ship, and you come, and you rescue me." - Mal Reynolds, Serenity

• "You do that, you'd best make peace with your dear and fluffy lord." - Mal Reynolds, Serenity

• "You want to run this ship?"
  "Yes!"
  "Well... you can't." - Mal & Jayne, Serenity

• "When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I'm talking about God?" - Shepherd Book, Serenity

• "I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar." - Wash, Serenity

• Operative: "Do you really believe that?"
  Mal: "I do."
  Operative: "You're willing to die for that belief?"
  (Pause)
  Mal: "I am."
  (Draws gun and shoots Operative's gun out of his hand)
  "'Course, that ain't exactly Plan A" - Serenity

• (Operative has impaled Mal on his sword)
  Operative: "Do you know what your sin is, Mal?"
  Mal: (Choking)"Aw hell, I'm a fan of all seven."
  (Headbutts Operative)
  "Right now, I'm gonna have to go with Wrath." - Serenity

• Mal: "It ain't all buttons and charts, little albatross. Know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I guess you do, since you already know what I'm about to say."
  River: "I do. But I like to hear you say it."
  Mal: "Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turnin' of worlds.
  "Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down, tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." - Serenity

• "Let's see, now... in Hogfather there are a number of stabbings, someone's killed by a man made of knives, someone's killed by the dark, and someone's just been killed by a wardrobe. It's a book about the magic of childhood. You can tell." - Terry Pratchett

• "You can't remember the plot of the Dr Who movie because it didn't have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though." - Terry Pratchett

• "The more laws and order are made prominent, The more thieves and robbers there will be." - Lao-Tzu, The Way of Lao-Tzu

• "I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law." - Martin Luther King Jr.

• "Art is science made clear." - Jean Cocteau

• "Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest." - Alexandre Dumas

• "If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything." - Bill Lyon

• "Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable." - Trey Parker and Matt Stone

• "Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate." - Mark B. Cohen

• "Aw come on, you're a figment of my imagination! The least you could do is take your top off." - Rodney Mckay, Stargate Atlantis

• Carter: "For the record, I hate you."
  McKay: "Well, it can't get any worse, then, can it?"
  Carter: "Oh yes. I'm rapidly working up to despise." - The Geniuses, Stargate SG-1

• "The point is, you're not imagining this."
  "I just tossed my shoe through you!" - Jackson & O'Neill, Stargate SG-1

• "While it may be one of the top five coolest jobs on the planet, it’s still a job that you have to get up in the morning and put on pants for. My whole existence has revolved around not having to do those two things." - Brian Michael Bendis

• "The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling." - Paula Poundstone

• "The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers." - Scott Adams

• "Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering." - R. Buckminster Fuller

• "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." - George F. Will

• Steve: "It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that's not fair, because you always know what we want!"
  Patrick: "Yeah, because we always have the decency to only want one thing."
  Steve: "And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?"
  Patrick: "Never!" - Steve & Patrick, Coupling

• "Friendship’s more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking." - Jane, Coupling

• Jeff: "Well, what was the title of the video?"
  Steve: "Inferno."
  Jeff: "Oh, no!"
  Patrick: "Well, what's wrong with "Inferno?" You can't tell anything from a title like that."
  Steve: "That's not the whole title."
  Patrick: "Well, what is it?"
  [Elsewhere...] Sally: "Lesbian Spank Inferno???" - A Major Dilemma, Coupling

• Lisa: "How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?"
  Steve: "Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them, we're born like that! We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one! Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view! Look, it is the 4 pillars of the male heterosexual psyche! We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is, and if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective!
  "Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there, but that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die! Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!", he said, "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!". As soon as Caxton invented the printing press, we were using to make pictures of... Wah-hay! Naked bottoms! We have turned the internet into an enormous international database of - naked bottoms! So you see, the history of male achievement throughout the years, feeble though it may have been, has been to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not sure how insulted you should be!" - The Same Dilemma, Coupling

• "So she doesn't understand a word I've been saying?"
  "Nope."
  "RESULT!" - Jeff and a Translator, Coupling

• "Actually Sally, Howard doesn't think of himself as gay."
  "Yes I do!"
  "There are no homosexuals, there are just 'people-sexuals'."
  "No, Jane, there are definitely homosexuals."
  "Howard! Do you want gay men to be labelled?"
  "Yes, that would be fantastic!" - A Lunatic and her "Date", Coupling

• "Jeff, Jeff, listen to me! Women want somebody with command; with confidence. Somebody who won't take no for an answer. We want somebody arrogant and gorgeous, with a terrifying sexual appetite and an amazing range of sexual technique. But when it comes right down to it, d'you know what? We'll settle for a man. GO!" - Susan, Coupling

• "So have you settled for me, then?"
  "Aww, don't be paranoid, Steve. Of course I have!" - Steve & Susan, Coupling

• "'I didn't marry her!' How do you think that makes me look?"
  "I had to say something, you slapped me!"
  "Twice!"
  "Once."
  SMACK!
  "Don't argue!" - Sally & Patrick, Coupling

• Steve: "What is wrong with having an understanding?"
  Bartender: "Well, have you actually told her that you're gonna marry her?"
  Steve: "In my own way..."
  Bartender: "Your own way?"
  Steve: "She accidentally overheard me saying it on the phone, when I thought I was talking to my ex-girlfriend."
  Bartender: "No offence, and, of course, it's none of my business, but that could be the worst proposal in human history."
  Sally: "Steve, you're gonna have to be my husband. Patrick prefers blondes!"
  Bartender: "I love this bar." - Coupling

• "Your approval fills me with shame." - Roy, The Order of the Stick

• "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." - Jules de Gaultier

• "Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime." - G. Gordon Liddy

• "You've gotta understand, I'm not working on sick people here. I'm working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition." - BJ

• "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all." - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

• "Imagine this. You're a car mechanic, and someone's rung the garage because their 20-year-old Yugoslavian-built car keeps stalling. After a frustrating half an hour, you've realised that they've never taken a test, they have no idea what a clutch pedal is, let alone what it does, they only ever use second gear no matter what speed, and they tend to put diesel or petrol in the engine 'depending on whether it's payday', their car has developed a myriad of faults because of all of this, and they want you to fix it right now, over the phone. Now imagine that they consider their problems to be all your fault, because your garage did their MOT a month ago, when you were off sick. And that if you do fix their clutch, they'll complain that it feels different and they don't like it. That's not even a bad day here. Hell, you even get to charge for fitting replacement parts!"
  "I thought you said they didn't know what a clutch was?"
  "I DID!!!!!" - Nameless Tech Support Supervisor and friend

• "Machines take me by surprise with great frequency." - Alan Turing

• "The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else." - Umberto Eco

• "He says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk."
  "That would be awesome!" - The Turks on Kids, Scrubs

• "It certainly wasn't my intention, but a large portion of the audience interpreted FizzBuzz as a challenge. I suppose it's like walking into Guitar Center and yelling 'most guitarists can't play Stairway to Heaven!' You might be shooting for a rational discussion of Stairway to Heaven as a way to measure minimum levels of guitar competence.
  "But what you'll get, instead, is a blazing guitarpocalypse." - Jeff, Coding Horror

• "It's like asking what does ink taste like. You don't know, you don't want to know, and if you're in a position where you have to find out, then you're already in all sorts of trouble." - Des Traynor, Coding Horror

• "To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence." - Friedrich Nietzsche

• "A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." - Groucho Marx

• "Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd." - Allan Goldfein

• "We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people." - Arthur Schopenhauer

• "Yes. I'm looking at a rack of mine named Juggs." - Brent, PvP

• "Yeah, I'm impressed. Let's go wreck it." - Superman, Justice League

• "Nothing worth having comes easy." - Bob Kelso, Scrubs

• "First of all, there are no "guys". We are not a "guys". He's the one you are angry at. That we are angry at. Let us all eat shrimp and be angry at him together." - Tycho, Penny Arcade

• "Don't mind me. I'm just a casual observer. With a camera. Pretend I'm not here." - Felix, Queen of Wands

• "LET ME GO DAWNA!" "Kestrel..." "I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO, DAWNA! DARWIN WHISPERS TO ME AT NIGHT!" "...Kestrel..." "HE SAYS 'KILL THE UNFIT! KILL THE UNFIT'" "I know Kestrel, but when we kill people it makes the policemen flustered and stern." - Kestrel and Dawna on Customers, Queen of Wands

• "Y'know... I loved being you. Back when I first started, at the very beginning, I was always being old and grumpy and important; like you do when you're young. And then I was you. And it was all dashing about and playing cricket, and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted; I still do that! I got that from you! Oh, and the trainers! And- [puts on glasses] Snap! 'Cause y'know what, Doctor? You were *my* Doctor." - Tenth Doctor to Fifth Doctor

• "You're assuming a guy thinks like a girl. We don't. Actually we rarely think about that sort of thing at all... Or think, for that matter." - Felix, Queen of Wands

• Felix: "Wait a minute. She introduces a concept that you don't get, she explains it, you still don't get it - she leaves, and THEN you get it, and you're waiting for HER to call YOU? Uh... shouldn't you be calling her? I mean, she's not gonna talk to you if she doesn't think you understand."
  Kestrel: "Oh. I really didn't think of that."
  Felix: "It's moments like this that I wonder how precisely you manage to get out of bed and dress yourself, I swear." - Queen of Wands

• "I have all the time in the world. I'm not the one walking around in a ticking organic time-bomb for a body." - Zeke the X-Box, Ctrl+Alt+Del

• The Doctor: "Oh, how to explain the mechanics of the infinite temporal flux... I know! Back to the Future! It's like Back to the Future."
  Martha: "The film?"
  The Doctor: [Sarcastically] "No, the novelisation, YesTheFilm!" - The Doctor and Martha, Doctor Who

• "Take, for instance, the mantra of the Christian Right; "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Now come on, if there is a God, he was always going to be practical. He was always going to start with a man and a woman; it was never going to be "And on the 5th day, God created Adam, Steve, a turkey baster and a lesbian with maternal instincts." - Paul Sinha, The Now Show

• "You try going out there, waging war against the West in the name of Ganesh the Elephant God! People just piss themselves laughing!"- Paul Sinha, The Now Show

• Sally: "She loves you."
  Larry: "She what?!?"
  Sally: "She said to say, she sort of just mentioned it. She loves you. So that's nice, isn't it?"
  Larry: "Is she ill?"
  Sally: "No! No." Larry: "Am I ill?"
  Sally: "No." Larry: "Is this a trick?" Sally: "No; she loves you."
  - Sally Sparrow and Larry Nightingale on Larry's Sister, Doctor Who